As a Chinese American or Jewish American, speaking to your parents about your needs may not always be easy. There are certain standards that you must meet, but too bad they are all set by your parents. While sucking it up and doing as you’re told may be the easy solution, it is also important for you to be able to voice your concerns and feel comfortable talking to your parents about sensitive issues.
Here are some ways to approach your parents and get the conversation going:
1. Run away from home and then threaten to never come home unless they listen to you.
-While in hindsight this sounds like a great plan, in the long run it is eventually going to stop working and you will need to come up with a better way to get their attention.
2. Have a conversation with the parent you are more comfortable with.
- If you have a better bond with one of parent over the over, go to that one first and get your thoughts out. They can act as your liaison to the other parent and make the situation a little easier.
3. Write a letter expressing your feelings.
- This doesn’t involve talking, but at least it involves expressing your feelings. It gives you a chance to let everything out versus losing your nerve and forgetting some things you want to say when you do face-to-face talking. You can choose when to give it to your parents and not even be there when they read it, which may ease some of the tension.
4. Talk to a sibling and have them act as the mediator.
- Sometimes a sibling may have a better reputation with your parents and be able to help you get your point across. Or they can just be there to keep everyone calm during a discussion and make sure everything is under control.
5. Speak to a relative or family friend that you trust.
- This person thinks like an adult and will have a close mindset to that of your parents. They can help give you a sense of how your parents may react and better prepare you for when you do approach your parents.
6. And if all else fails, speak to a counselor at school or one of our counselors and we’ll help you talk to you parents. (This is why we exist in the first place!)
7. But most importantly, work to develop a better bond with your parents so that you may eventually be able to approach them. While all the above options may help you get your foot in the door and start the communication flowing, if you don’t work at your relationship with your parents it will not get any easier to approach your parents on your own. Learn to trust them and vice versa and help them get to know you better and why you think the way you do.
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And if you’re still not able to communicate with your parents, don’t worry. You will get there one day. But be sure to not get down on yourself. Your parents may have many expectations of you and may get upset with you if they don’t think you are meeting them. You should learn to build your own self-esteem and have the strength to have confidence in yourself. And who knows, maybe on day you will have the courage to speak up and have your thoughts and opinions heard.
Find an activity that you like doing and go do it! If your parents think extracurriculars take away from your studying, tell them that it’s a school thing and that it can be put on your resume and get you into college/get a job. Finding that one thing or couple of thing that you’re good at will help to boost your confidence.
Surround yourself with genuine friends that care about you. While your parents may not necessarily agree with the things you do, your friends will. They are there to be your support system, through all the good and all the bad times.
Find an adult you trust and that believes in you/what you do. They can’t replace your parents, but they can act as a surrogate parental figure. Knowing that someone the same age as your parents believes in you is a strong feeling.
Reference: Tasopoulos-Chan, M., Smetana, J. G., & Yau, J. P. (2009). How much do I tell thee? strategies for managing information to parents among american adolescents from chinese, mexican, and european backgrounds. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(3), 364-374. doi: 10.1037/a0015816
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